Becoming Innocent Again

What armour do you wear to survive?

Are you sarcastic? Cynical? Pessimistic? Do you hope for the best, plan for the worst?

I’ve worn various sets of armour in order to survive.

As a kid, I wanted to be friends with everybody, and it was a tough lesson to learn that some kids just didn’t like me and wanted to exclude me.

That affected me deeply. So I started to develop armour to protect myself from pain and rejection.

I distanced myself from some kids, and in middle school, I learned how to be sarcastic and mean. I learned how to make fun of other kids, so nobody would make fun of me.

In high school, I learned to be angry and aggressive, to keep people at a distance and protect my insecurity.

In my 20s, I learned to be analytical, hiding my vulnerabilities.

And in my 30s, I learned how to be cold and distant, to protect myself from heartbreak and pain.

And the sum total of all of this armour? I became more robotic, and less human.

By building armour around myself and my heart, I closed myself off from the world. And I lost touch with who I am, and what I truly care about.

The problem was not that I built armour in order to survive. It was that over time, I found myself living entirely inside that armour.

I developed relationships that were only based around work, and I didn’t have any true friendships. I turned all of my hobbies into work, so I didn’t have any relaxing activities. And I distanced myself from the people I care about, for fear of being hurt.

At some point, the armour that once protected me started to feel too heavy. It stopped helping me survive and started keeping me from becoming who I wanted to be.

Over the past few years, I have worked hard at trying to take off my armour. To live a life that is a truer reflection of who I truly am.

Because the truth is, I am an earnest person. I am a caring person. I am flawed, and I am vulnerable. I often feel like I don’t fit in, but when I find people who accept me for who I am, I feel like I can fly.

There was no single moment that changed everything, but there were many small ones. Quiet mornings. Honest conversations. Times when I realized that staying protected was costing me more than taking a chance.

And what has happened over the past few years is that I’ve begun to lead with my heart. I have followed a path that is illuminated by my heart, by my truth. By who I truly am.

And that path has led me to kind and caring people, to a community that accepts me as I am. That encourages me to be more kind, caring and earnest.

In many ways, I feel like I have become innocent again. I look for the best in people. I try to see who they are, beneath all of their armour.

Because beneath all of our armour, there is the person we were before we built it. The curious child. The dreamer. The lover. Beneath it all, there are the innocent ones.

There are times when the armour I have built for myself is useful. There are times when I need to put it on. But being trapped in the armour is where things become tricky.

Sometimes when I’m talking with my kids, I need to take things less personally. I need to keep things at a distance so that I can see the bigger picture. But I still need to be ready to take the armour off, and embrace the beauty of the moment I am in.

Sometimes at work, I need to be more analytical and see myself as just a cog in a machine, so I can help move a task from A to B. But I still need to recognize the moments when something beautiful happens at work, and acknowledge that moment with my colleagues. After all, we are all human. None of us are robots.

The problem that arises when we become trapped in our own armour, is that our hearts become more vulnerable. They grow unfamiliar with the world, overly sensitive to even the smallest interaction.

And conversely, by sharing our hearts and our truth more readily with the world, they become stronger. They become the bright light that we can offer the world, for all to see. And the world becomes a brighter, more loving place because of that.

Armour is important. We need it to survive in this harsh, unforgiving world. But don’t become trapped in it.

If you can, learn how to take it off from time to time, and discover what the world looks like when you give your heart a chance to breathe, and shine its light on the world.

You might be surprised and inspired by what you discover.